


Say

by legendaryjuls



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: A LOT of Angst, Angst, F/M, Mentions of Emotional Abuse, Song Lyrics, Song fic, Weight Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-24
Updated: 2019-10-24
Packaged: 2021-01-02 16:30:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,837
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21164687
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/legendaryjuls/pseuds/legendaryjuls
Summary: You never managed to speak up. Say what you wanna say, until one day it comes crashing down and Minhyuk is ready to keep you safe.





	Say

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, 
> 
> i was hesitant to post this for a long time, because this is pretty personal. i have written it in the beginning of august in 2019, when i was confronted with this kinda topic again. not everything really happend, but some things did. 
> 
> i decided to post it in the end, because maybe - just maybe - someone is going through something similiar and needs this. though it is probably just me trying to finally get over all the shit that happened in my teenage years.
> 
> you are not alone, you are strong and you are beautiful. it costs a lot of strength to tell yourself that, but i believe in you. 
> 
> i based it on the song "Say" by Ruel :)  
lots of love

_“I’ve been feelin’ like it’s impossible to say it all_

_And I’m losin’ all control_

_‘Cause I wish that I could break the fall,_

_And save it all_

_But I’ve been holdin’ it to close.”_

You were wide awake, while the city was slowly waking up. Even though the city is never really quiet or asleep, but it felt like even the city is resting at night. So should you, you think to yourself. You should be asleep, enjoying the comfort of your boyfriend holding you tight in his arms. Seeking your warmth while you just wanted the cold air of the night to grace your skin. You loved your boyfriend, but you felt suffocated. You did not deserve him, you thought to yourself. Not grasping how someone could love you. Love your broken soul and your body, the body that has always been the centre of critique. The biggest critic next to your mom was you, ever since you could think your mom always found something that wasn’t right. Something that wasn’t okay, something that seemed off. One thing that always has been the centre of attention was your weight. She’s always been unhappy with that, so it just came naturally that you’ve been unhappy with it as well, always trying hard to please your mothers’ expectations.

Never once you managed to come close to what she wished for.

More than once you hoped she would praise you for trying so hard.

It never happened, you only heard the nagging, the complaining of wanting a daughter that is pretty, a daughter that fits in the dresses she bought for her, a daughter that wasn’t a disappointment. Someone she could show off and be proud of. It didn’t matter what you did, it didn’t matter what you tried, it didn’t matter that you complied to every diet she forced you through. It just simply didn’t matter. You never mattered, you’re never good enough anyway, never meeting her vision of the perfect daughter. It hurt, you always thought you’d stop hurting once you get away, once you move to the city. Once you don’t have to be around her. Foolish, that is what you were. Foolish to think, that she’d ever completely disappear. She’d always find a way back into your life, finding new ways of making it clear that you weren’t enough.

You never told your boyfriend about what you went through in your youth, you never once found the courage to tell him about the diets you went through, you never told him about the institution you were sent to in order to lose weight. You never told him about how they broke you, guilt tripping you into thinking that you’d eat away the food of the kids that were underweight. You’ve only been twelve and they hammered a discipline in your head that only fully showed when you were older. Nowadays you found yourself more often trying to discipline yourself, forcing yourself to study more, forcing yourself to watch what you eat, forcing yourself to not letting all of it come crashing down on you. You wanted to be better, hoping when your mother would come find you again, she’d be pleased, even happy with what you accomplished. Every time you took a bite you thought of the disgusted faces from the kids across you. The face that clearly judged you for eating, you thought about what they told you. Whenever Minhyuk offered you sweets, you denied always a different excuse. Watching him eating away, torturing yourself the way they did. You forced yourself to the gym, running for an hour, it will only do you good you tell yourself. You only need to look good, show your mother that there was a progress.

Sometimes you told yourself that you don’t own anything to her. You’d tell yourself that it’s your body and you only owe it to yourself to fit the picture that was planted in your head.

But in the end, it will always be the picture your mother planted there.

You felt your stomach rumbling slightly, ignoring it. You still had to go running at seven, before breakfast. You slowly lost control, the habits of disciplining yourself burning themselves in your brain. You lost control over what you were doing to yourself, while you were hurting. Falling deeper and deeper into the hurt you thought you’d left behind, you wanted someone to catch you, you wanted the hurt to be gone and not to wrap you into a blanket that would ruin you in the long run. Scream, that’s what you wanted to do, you wanted to scream it out but you always kept things to yourself. You kept things to close.

_“Wish I knew what you’re thinking_

_Words don’t come that easy”_

Minhyuk knew something was off, he saw how you were pushing yourself extra hard these past weeks. He noticed that you kept staying up shifting in his embrace. The way you sometimes just seemed so far away; lost in your thoughts that he didn’t have access too. He wanted to know. He really did. Minhyuk thought about asking you what was wrong, he knew words didn’t come easy to you whenever something was bothering you. You could voice out all the happiness in the world, could talk about nonsense for hours, similar to him put smiles on peoples faces. You could do it all, but the moment you had to talk about yourself, talking about what is weighing you down all the words in the world seem to disappear. Minhyuk knew all that, you told him once that it wasn’t common to talk about what you’re feeling within your family. You didn’t tell him that your feelings never mattered, talking about them wouldn’t do anything so you kept it to yourself. You always kept it to yourself. Minhyuk was breaking through that, he’d always have an open ear and it became easier to open up. Talk about your feelings, telling him when you needed him.

You couldn’t talk about your family though, that is just something you were afraid to do. Ever since you told a friend once and they mentioned that the things your mother did count as emotional abuse. You hated to hear it. You hated to hear it because she was right and you hated it, because you still loved your mother regardless. There was still a sense of comfort when she’d stop by despite her comments. To call her abusive took it to far for you, you just tried to blend it out. Even though you knew she was right, deep down you knew.

Minhyuk looked at you, lying next to him, sleeping soundly for the first time in weeks. He wished you would tell him what you were thinking. He wished you would tell him that you need him, because he knew that you need him. All Minhyuk needed to know was what it is that kept your mind so clouded.

_“We might be broken by design”_

The moment you stepped foot into your apartment you knew that she was here. You knew she found you again, knew that she’d find new reasons to criticize you. You were wondering how she got in, until you heard the chatter coming from the kitchen. Fear was spreading within your chest; she was talking to Minhyuk. One of the people that had become one of the most important people in your life, she was talking to him and the fear of what she could say kept spreading within your chest. No, No, you didn’t want that. You were afraid she’d break you apart, make him leave you or make you leave him. You knew that nice things never lasted long, there was soon something else to come that would ruin your happiness. You weren’t allowed to be happy for long. Part of the reasons why you tried to keep Minhyuk away from her as long as possible. It wasn’t long enough.

You put down your bag, slipped out of your shoes and made your way to the kitchen, bracing yourself for what was about to come.

“Love, look who is here.”, Minhyuk beamed with happiness, as usual when he met new people. Especially because he kept asking to meet your family for quite some time, so your mother visiting must make him excited. You smiled, you tried your best to hide the fear prominent within your body.

“Hi, Mum. Long time no see.”, your words sounded not as lightly as you’d have wished for them to sound. Your mother just smiled and pursed her lips a little bit, before she stood up and came over to give you a tight hug.

“Y/N, my darling. You look tired, did you have a rough day at work?”, she asked and you nodded within her embrace.

“You should have told me about that boyfriend of yours, he is quite cute.”, she whispered in your ear and you could hear the undertone that came with it. One you couldn’t identify, but you knew that there was something more she wanted to say. It was like a tornado warning. You felt uneasy, the fear still lingering in the pit of your stomach.

“Ah let me look at you, you got skinnier. Your clothes fit you a lot better.”, she smiled, you would be happy about the praise, but you knew it probably was just because Minhyuk was still in the kitchen.

He knew the moment he saw your face, that something was not right. You seemed off looking at your mother. The embrace seemed almost awkward and he could see your mother whispering something in your ear. He thought it would have been something sweet, something just between the both of you. If Minhyuk hadn’t seen the way you struggled more and more the last few weeks, he would have thought it would be a normal conversation between mother and daughter, but the comment about your appearance and your weight loss didn’t sit well with him. He despised it, because he hated seeing you pushing yourself so hard. Minhyuk hated that she praised you for something like that, in his eyes you were already perfect. You wouldn’t have to change anything, if it were for him but it wasn’t. For the first time he was afraid, afraid that there was so much more he didn’t know about.

“I brought you a gift, I thought we could might meet up for dinner tonight.”, she grabbed the bag next to her chair and put the handles into your hands. It felt like it weighed a ton, even though it probably was a dress that was way to small. Because that was what she always did, buy you clothes you were supposed to fit in even though it was at least one size to small, sometimes two sizes. 

“Thank you.”, you smiled and it hurt, because it just wasn’t a real smile. You knew what was in the bag, you knew it wouldn’t fit and you knew it would break you. Like it always did.

“Dinner sounds lovely.”, you looked at Minhyuk and he gave you a reassuring smile, coming close to you and placing his head onto your shoulder, slinging his arms around your waist.

“Great, I already reserved a table and I’m going to let you know the address as soon as I get to the car and back to my phone.”, your mother smiled.

“You should rest and maybe put on a face mask; you look worn out.”, she added and you just nodded, glad that she seemed like she was about to leave. And now it was official that Minhyuk was deeply concerned.

_“I can’t help how I’m feeling_

_Scared of my own reasons_

_I don’t wanna waste your time”_

You looked in the bathroom mirror, against the realistic thought of not even trying it on, you did, because your mother had said that you lost weight and maybe, just maybe you would fit. It was an expensive dress, you knew it. You also knew that she would most likely to call you out if you showed up in a different dress. You knew it wouldn’t fid, you would be lying if you didn’t knew it before you even tried it on. Yet here you were, looking in the bathroom mirror, the side zipper of the dress wide open and fighting back tears. You hated yourself, you hated yourself for never being good enough, for never fitting in the dresses that your mom bought for you. Hurt and Anger rushed through your body. It’s always the same, yet you were foolish once again. You couldn’t help it, all you wanted was to be appreciated by your mother. It wasn’t that Minhyuk didn’t appreciate you enough, he did. He was completely showering you with love, affection and appreciation, but it was different. It would never be the same as the one you craved to hear by your mother.

Minhyuk knocked at the bathroom door, concerned by the time you spent in there.

“Y/N, are you alright?”, he asked voice filled with worry, but you couldn’t answer. You were so scared of what he would think, seeing you in a dress that was way to small for you. It was a pretty dress, maybe to pretty for you to wear. A Tear made its way down your cheek. You didn’t want to see him that way, you would have to explain it to him. And you weren’t sure if you could go through that amount of pain. Telling him of all the things you went through, showing him everything that you so desperately wanted to forgot, but found yourself falling back into again and again. You were scared that Minhyuk would turn away. Leave you behind, because you weren’t pretty enough, because you couldn’t fit the picture-perfect girl that you were told to be. You’d never be enough and he would realise it the minute he walked in. A sob was fighting it’s way up your throat and you tried to muffle it, but that went horribly wrong.

“I’m coming in, okay?”, Minhyuk said already turning the doorknob. He wasn’t sure what was going on or what he expected, but when he saw you standing in front of the mirror, bawling just looking at yourself with disgust. It took one look at the dress that was still open obviously to small and way to short and he could guess what was going on.

“Please don’t.”, you sobbed looking at him, feeling like you are completely naked. Exposed, like you’ve never been before. The ugly truth finding its way into the daylight. Minhyuk stopped for a second to look at you in awe, he knew you were someone who held back everything until the point where it couldn’t be hold back anymore. This seemed like so much more, than just holding back and all he wanted to do was comfort you.

“Please don’t look at me.”, you said and covered your side looking down.

“Why?”, Minhyuk asked, not sure how he was supposed to approach you.

“Because I look ugly and fat.”, you sobbed.

“I’m such a failure, I can’t even fit the dress.” This was enough for Minhyuk to finally reach out for you, pulling you into his arms.

“No you are not, you are beautiful. The dress is just not your size.”, he argued and pressed your head against his shoulder.

“The dress is too pretty for me. I don’t fit it. I can never wear something like this.”, you cried still covering your body. Everything seemed crashing down. All the hurt, all the pain. You couldn’t take it anymore.

“Let’s get you out of that dress, and then we cancel that dinner, because I certainly don’t feel like going to anymore. I don’t want to waste your time, being with someone who makes you feel that way.”, he said slowly helping you out of this dress.

“Why are you doing that for me? Why are you staying, why don’t you leave? I don’t deserve you.”, you cried looking at him and Minhyuk shook his head.

“Because I love you, because I want you to get better, because it doesn’t matter to me what you look like. In my eyes you are beautiful and I’m going to make sure to show you in every way possible. You deserve all the love in the world and I’m going to do my best to give it to you.”, Minhyuk explained tucking lightly at the arm of the dress.

“And that doesn’t solve anything, but we are going to find a solution. You are not alone in this. We going to sort this out, I promise you that.”, you closed your eyes, letting the words sink in and falling back into Minhyuks arms.

“Please just get me out of this.”, you said weakly.

“Of course, love. I promise you I keep you safe.”

_“Searching for another way_

_To keep us safe another day”_


End file.
